Disagreements are normal in relationships, but certain behaviors can become seriously damaging over time. Known as the “Four Horsemen,” these habits—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can erode mental health and destroy connections.
Dr. Rachel M Allan, a Glasgow-based counselling psychologist, explains: “It’s the small and repeated interactions that really create the quality of relationships. Over time, these negative patterns can damage your sense of self and confidence.”
Here’s how to recognize and address each one:
1. Criticism
When critical comments become constant, the receiving partner develops feelings of worthlessness. Address this directly using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations.
Better approach: “I felt really hurt by that comment.” Avoid: “Why are you so mean?”
If you’re the critic, focus on specific behaviors rather than attacking the person’s character. Express your needs without framing everything as your partner’s failure.
2. Contempt
This involves one partner acting superior, creating an unhealthy imbalance. If you’re being contemptuous, consciously shift attention to your partner’s positive qualities and what you value about them.
If you’re receiving contempt, lead by example—actively appreciate the good in your relationship. This modeling approach can encourage your partner to follow suit.
3. Defensiveness
While natural when receiving criticism, constantly defending yourself prevents productive communication. Instead, try being open to feedback (within reason) and consider whether comments have validity before reacting.
If your partner gets defensive, check your tone and consider whether past experiences might be triggering their reaction. Approach sensitive topics with understanding and perspective.
4. Stonewalling
The silent treatment leaves partners feeling helpless and confused. If you’re being stonewalled, step back and give your partner space to calm down before revisiting the conversation.
If you’re the one withdrawing, ask yourself what you’re trying to achieve. Problems won’t resolve without discussion, and your partner can’t address issues they don’t know about.
Know Your Limits
These patterns affect every relationship differently. “Ultimately, you have to ask: Is the partnership worth its problems?” notes Allan. “Each individual will have their own tipping point.”
Remember that change requires effort from both partners—it’s not your job to “fix” someone else. Check in with yourself regularly and prioritize what’s best for you. Healthy relationships should be supportive, happy, and loving. There’s no shame in seeking what you deserve from a partner.
